Thursday, February 25, 2010

President Obama Stops By for a Chat with Brig... Concensus Reached!

Today was a pretty big day for me.  During the lunch Break at Blair House where President Obama was meeting with a group of angry old white men and Nancy Pelosi, the President decided to stop by my house for a quick chat about healthcare.

The meeting went pretty well, we agreed on a lot of important points including that the bill was a very big stack of paper and didn't include nearly enough pictures.

I was a little confused as to why he decided to bring along a lectern and teleprompter, but he's the president so I guess he does whatever he wants.

When I asked him to just look at me when he spoke, this big burly security guy started to rough me up so I decided to just let him use the teleprompter. 

I guess I could have pulled out some of my newly acquired snow ninja moves and really showed the presidents body guard that he was still boss, but I decided to take the more diplomatic route and hide under my desk until he chilled out.

We did agree that because this was my office, that I could put my bare feet up on my desk as long as they were mostly obscured by his lectern in any photos.  Although he complimented me on my tie, he objected to me wearing pajama pants while we talked, but I explained that this is how news anchors dress and reminded him that at least I was wearing pants in my office, unlike one of his predecessors in the Oval Office... (Oh, that was low even for Brig's Blog, but seeing that about 75% of you reading this are republicans anyway, I'll just pander to the crowd for internet blog ratings.)

What can I say, I'm a people person, I know how to compromise and only take on the important fights.

The President asked me if I was happy with my insurance, and I told him that I was relatively happy with my coverage, but that he would have to talk to Wife about the specifics.

He asked me if I would support having my coverage expanded if it only cost me 75% more than I pay today.  I told him that I was not planning to have an abortion or gender reassignment surgery anytime soon, but that I would talk it over with the wife and get back to him.

He seemed to get upset when I told him that I generally only to the hospital with emergencies.  He told me that I was part of the problem and suggested that his legislation would help me get preventative care before things got so bad that I had to go to the emergency room. 

I told him that I only go to the hospital when I brake a bone and he said that page 1,423 paragraph 4 would ensure that I could have publicly funded access to helmets and pillows for padding when engaging in dangerous recreational activities, he also noted that page 637 paragraph 2 had basically outlawed any recreational activities anyway so he would basically be able to save the country the $3 billion dollars he had originally allocated to pillows and helmets.

He told me this was part of the cost savings that he had engineered.  He was going to spend $2 Trillion over 10 years, but then eliminated lots of things like free home MRI machines and home heart surgery kits for everybody and that basically he had single-handed-ly saved about $1 Trillion by eliminating that important but not critical spending, but assured me that he would work to get that back into the bill in his next term.

I asked him if I could start paying taxes immediately this year if he would promise me that nobody would get any benefit from his healthcare bill for at least another 4 years, and he promised me that my request was already part of his plan, and if the Republicans would just get out of his way, he would sign that into law immediately so that the 30,000,000 people without health insurance would still not be able to get any for at least 4 years.

I love negotiations!  It is always Win-Win-Win!


Robbie Wayment said...

I am very disappointed that you didnt bammo his body guard with the snow ninja death crush thing that I KNOW you can do.
This would have been cool....."hey Mr Pres......look up there". then you take the teleprompter and sucka punch him and the bodyguard over the head, while screaming that his healthcare plan just downright sucks!

To all you Govt. spy readers....I am totally just kidding....this would never happen

Blogger-In-Chief said...

I agree with Robbie, this would never happen. Mostly because these guys are huge and would probably throw a counter-ninja death crush throat grab!

I once shook hands with Oliver North's body guard, that guy was like 6' 8" and easily 325 pounds, and could probably move like a gazelle.