Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Brig Is Back... With A Vengeance

So as you can see I've taken off a little bit of time from updating the blog, at first this was unintentional, and then there were just too many things to write about, and then there was nothing that seemed worth writing about, and then I just thought, wow, this little break is nice, I could get used to this.

However, I feel now that rather than going to see an overpriced therapist who will just tell me that I just need to pull it together, I will just get back to the cheaper therapy of making up stuff for you to read in the hopes that you will click on ads in my blog to increase my take from this from about 50 cents a month to well over $1.  I really don't care if you click on ads, I'm just always interested in what is going to pop up next.  Lately it has been Ford ads.

The last few weeks have been awesome though, spent a lot of time with family, hung out with my mom while pretending to work and watched her paint her living room until I felt so guilty I had to chip in.  Went shooting with my dad and shot my Grandpa's old 30-06 which I don't think I have even seen since a deer hunting trip when I was 11.

Hung out with Wife a lot after hours because I have ROCK STAR in-laws that pull double duty as baby/dog sitters in the evenings when we are in Houston.  She and I spent some seriously late nights at my sister's house playing Rock Band, and as all present can attest, I am the Lyrical Jesse James (not the one idiotically cheating on Sandra Bullock).  Although when MTV sees the Youtube video of my performances and broadcasts them next to the Lady Ga Ga videos, Sandra might come calling.

My new gig is finally getting into shape for the big Mt. Whitney trip in June (if we get our permits) so I am eating normal human portions of food and getting in some P90/Running workouts in addition to my Friday night indoor soccer league.

And on top of all of that, I got all domestic on Sunday and made new covers for the couch throw pillows, but I won't add pics because my new camera is supposed to come in the mail today so you can stop looking at fuzzy shadow filled point and shoot pictures and experience this blog in a new crisp refreshing way.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Sleep Walking is for Sissies! Check This Out!

So I have a son that is a total extreme sports fanatic.  He is constantly pushing the envelope and his comfort level with respect to risk is increasing.

Lately however, he has taken one of my favorite sports, EATING, and found a new twist to make it even more dangerous than the State of NY thinks it is.

Now you may have thought that I was talking about Little Guy, but I am really talking about Twin #1 (The Snuggler).  He has taken eating to a whole new level, I thought it would be years before the world would be ready for extreme trick eating.

However, Twin #1 has been experimenting with SLEEP EATING.  Yep, you read that right, he is one of the worlds foremost sleep eaters. 

He started out on the safe side falling asleep with just a spoon in his hand, then he figured that maybe he should try other stuff.  Now I get falling asleep when all that someone put in front of you is rice (left), but then he got more extreme.

He moved on to sleeping while holding chicken nuggets, grilled cheese sandwiches, and whole other assortment of foods.

His most recent trick is the SLeeping Upright Milk Bottle Emptying Rejoinder (I call it the SLUMBER for short) and quite possibly will overshadow Shaun White's Double McTwist 1260 that Shaun pulled off at the Olympics last month.

I did get a pretty good picture of it this week, it is pretty low quality because I had to go totally incognito to get the pic, he didn't want this new trick outed until he pulled it off in competition, mostly so that his fellow extreme sportsmen will be thrown off their game.  But:

I just thought the world should know about this sooner.  Some things are too awesome to keep secret.

In the spirit of full disclosure, Red Bull did not donate this secret extreme eating training facility for Twin #1, although the Milk was provided by Mabel the Cow, de-lactosization was performed by some factory somewhere and we did purchase this for $2.38/half Gallon from a local retailer. 

Twin #1 is open to discussing sponsorships through the Balboa Management Agency.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Densly Packed Particle Playground? Wife Eats Stephen Hawking's Lunch!

Wife and I were sitting down together watching a documentary about Stephen Hawking and his Information Paradox (which you can watch at this link).  I thought we were having a good time but now I completely mistrust my judgment about what a good time really is.

I mean it all started out well, she was folding some laundry, I was petting one of the dogs and using big words like Quantum Physics and Space Time Continuum giving only enough detail as to convince her that I had some idea of what I was talking about, but not too much that she would catch on that I had studied up just for this occasion.

Then, oh boy, then...then, she decides to basically call Hawking a scientific hack by attempting to undermine his work on Black Holes and his theory that information is destroyed in black holes where matter becomes infinitely small and infinitely dense, and in FACT ceases to exist.  (I can use the word fact because some scientist dude said it once, so it must be true).

Rather than hear him out, she mentions that maybe the center of a Black Hole is just a "Densely Packed Particle Playground," thereby suggesting that the information is not disappearing, but merely taking a "Time-Out" so to speak.

Now, I am no Hawking fan-boy, but my Leonard Susskind sympathizing wife has really stepped over the line this time.  I don't know about you, but I don't think that infinite information retrieval really has a leg to stand on, or for that matter is so important that someone should write a blog post about it.

Then she felt (in my opinion unjustifiably) vindicated when Hawking got drunk one night and went on a physics bender and suggested to a bunch of pocket protector wearing particle colliding, cast of "Big Bang Theory" wannabes that solar systems with black holes destroy matter, but because there are systems that don't have black holes, they are "offset" so no information is never lost. 

Not even the people that believe in infinite information retrieval bought that.

So let me get this straight, Paul Allen of Microsoft fame has a Yacht (above) with 2 helipads, but because my yacht (left) only has 1 helipad, his second helipad doesn't really exist?  Haha, sucker! 

He probably paid extra for that "option,"  like they would make a yacht with 2 helipads.  Ridiculous.  Wait, did I win this debate, or did wife break unprecedented scientific ground by accurately describing a phenomenon that has had the worlds greatest minds fighting for over 30 years? 

What do you think?

Monday, March 08, 2010

Gore Denounces Global Warming... Read Book for Details!

So this has been a pretty bad month for my good friend Al Gore.  Fortunately, he has put together the greatest scam ever before foisted upon the world, and you can't even blame him for it (I'll get to that later).  This is part of my Radical Right Wing Conspiracy series, so if you get bored easily, you can stop reading here, I almost fell asleep two paragraphs down just writing this drivel.

Check this out, this guy is my personal hero, he is the greatest racketeer since John Gotti.  He spends 30 years whining about Global Warming, basically from the day after the lowest recorded global temperature ever, so he is pretty much guaranteed to have some up-swing in temperatures (it pays to be at the right place at the right time).

Then, he rides that wave until he gets the "thumbs down" or other hand/ finger gesture denying him the US Presidency from Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

So in addition to growing a Grizzly Adams style beard and sulking for 4 years, he rips off some Berkeley/ Columbia Sophomore's Geology 101 mid-term PowerPoint presentation on global warming, slaps his name on it and starts giving really boring lectures.

If you look at the graph below, you can see why Gore is scared out of his wits, the global average temperature, as extrapolated from this graph is going to be 200 degrees by next December.  This should scare you too.

Now comes the good part.  Since he had already been laundering taxpayers money for 30 years through Universities and enriching their science professors with elaborate bribes research grants, he now has a full scale Mormon Tabernacle Choir style chorus behind his outlandish claims, which he says he has to embellish so that someone will stand up and take notice.

When someone tells you that you accidentally left the stove on after cooking tortillas you might just want to finish your fajita before getting up to turn the stove off. 

However, if you start screaming "the house is on fire and the kids faces are melting off" you feel a bigger obligation to put the fajita down and stand up and see what is going on, and since you are already standing up, you might as well turn off the oven because the cheese and sour cream have already spilled out of the tortilla and using a fork to clean the plate is now mandatory before you make another fajita anyway.

So the Global Warming Scam is in full force, Gore gets a cushy job (becomes a Partner) with Kleiner Perkins, one of the storied Venture Capital firms on the West Coast, and guess what, starts investing their clients money into companies that are taking tons of government cash, inflating their value, not through making a product that people will buy, but by taking in tons of tax grant money.  Making it so he and his "partners" (who basically just laugh at Al behind his back) can just roll around in piles of taxpayer money.

My next trick should be to look at all of Kleiner Perkins clean energy deals and adjust their returns for the government cash that was pumped into them to inflate their value (of which no return came to the taxpayers) and then submit a Freedom of Information Act request to get the documents that will show how much cash the gov't pumped in and why, and who requested it.  Then I should do a check on all of the government hack's relatives and lets take a guess how many members of congress have a son-in-law in on the deal.  I'll probably be able to implicate a dozen or so sitting senators and congressmen.  How's that for Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.  Booyah! (But I probably won't do this out of a lack of "caring")

Then comes a bomb shell, there has been no warming in 15 years, so ALand his cohorts have to RE-Brand the scam from GLOBAL WARMING (GW) to GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE, basically because the climate is always changing--even if the changes are so small they are undetectable.  So now every time it snows in Alaska, it is proof of something that Al can use to make more money.

This is genius because now he doesn't even have to pretend to care which direction temperatures are going, and they can never be disproven because the SCAM now fits what we have always known.

Furthermore, the fix for the new "problem" is the same as the fix for the old problem, because in a good pyramid scheme, the guys in early make the best returns, and Gore was in early, so no need sharing the loot with any newcomers that come up with new fixes for the new problem, easier just to pretend that the old fix in which you already own shares is scalable enough to fix the new problem too!

Then comes the bigger bomb, the GW scam appears to be unhinging over some stolen emails between the "scientist/experts" that proliferate the GW scam.  Now this is only a problem because now it appears that faking a bunch of data and conclusions is supposedly unethical (whatever).

So what will Al Gore do next?  I am pretty sure that he is currently dumping every share of every scam company he can legally sell, which he will soon explain that he MUST DO to keep his "credibility" so he doesn't have the appearance of a "conflict of interest."  All while continuing his Climate Change preaching.

After he sells off everything he can legally sell, he will hold a press conference and HE WILL TELL THE WORLD THAT HE IS NOT A SCIENTIST,  and that he was lied to by scientists and that they used him to scam the masses.  He will also not that if you want all of the details, he is currently putting the finishing touches on a book about how he was defrauded (he'll get a $16.3mm advance for this, which will totally put a big chip on Hillary's shoulder).  But he won't sign the book deal until after buying a nice villa in Ireland (because they don't tax literary royalties). 

So he perpetrates a grand fraud, makes $200mm doing it, and then gets to walk away scott free because he never had the credentials to talk about any of this anyway, so we can't blame him for it, in fact we have to feel sorry for him and buy his book to get all of the juicy details.  For Gore this is a WIN-WIN-WIN.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Why Brig is Not Running for the Senate

It is with deep regret that I inform all of my most ardent supporters that I will not be seeking the Democratic nomination to the United States Senate seat in New York.  I know that all 3 of you will be disappointed, but after recent conversations with President Obama and Karl Rove (detailed earlier), I have determined that my time would be better spent doing something else, like coming to grips with reality.

I have also had a recent conversation with the former senate seat holder, Hillary Clinton, current US Adminstrative Assistant of State (I heard the term secretary is sexist).  She noted that as an official member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, that my candidacy as a Democrat would be awkward.  I thought it would be Bi-Partisan at worst. I thought that made good sense, and Hillary is the foremost expert on Vast Right Wing Conspiracies, and I am just a newbie, so I will defer to her on this point.

She made a good point that I could not in good conscience support policies to triple the national debt as a way to "spend us into prosperity" and support the complete dismantling of the Federal Government, because then who would be there to spend all of the money? 

I have also decided, for personal reasons, to spend more time with my family, and when I say "family", I mean the Balboa Misdemeanor-Lite Crime Family of which I am "The Boss".  I have found that I would greatly miss putting out hits on "Cactus McQueen" and "Skunkers."

In seeking the senate seat, I would have to spend a considerable amount of time trying to convince people that I am the only person that could fashionably bankrupt the United States of America, but that once they see the details of the bankruptcy plan, they would be extremely supportive of the plan, but you can't see the whole plan because I haven't finished writing it yet, but it is an awesome plan, but you will never see the plan because I am not running so I don't think I am required to produce an actual plan so you'll just have to trust me.

I join with my comrade Harold Ford in saying that the current occupant, Kirsten E. Gillibrand, of the hallowed and cherished Hillary Clinton Senate seat is a horrible human being who stomps on the Constitution with every vote she casts in the senate, and that I would be a significantly better candidate, but that if I had to prove that to people by noting all of the good things I have done and all of the bad things she had done, and I got elected, which I believe I would have if I had decided to run, I would have made possible the election of the Republican guy Mortimer Zuckerman (awesome name BTW), who is also not running.


So in essence, I am not running because the current Democrat in office is horrible and running against her would have made possible the election of a Republican who is not running.

I am however now selling an herbal supplement drink, well, not selling it, but signing up people to sign up other people to sell it.

Now I can't say that it cures cancer because the current US senator supports laws that won't let me say that, but this guy I know said his mom took it and her cancer went away in like 3 weeks, but she liked it so much that she keeps taking it!  So if you want to join this amazing opportunity, leave me a comment!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Brig Joins Vast Right Wing Conspiracy! What?

So today I decided to take a stand, well, I decided to stand up and have my picture taken anyway, and that is kind of the same thing.  In fact, I was personally inaugurated into the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy by the Architect himself, Karl Rove!

I was disappointed at the lack of a really cool handshake, as you can see here, this is just a normal firm business like handshake, one that you would use to consummate a newly negotiated price on an average piece of plywood at Home Depot.

I thought that joining an underground conspiracy would be a bit more flashy, maybe some kind of animal sacrifice or at least they would brand a little number or skull logo onto my wrist where I could cover it up with a flashy watch or something.  Wait, I think I've seen this movie.

Now I know what you are thinking, that picture is pretty fuzzy, how can I be sure that it is the real Karl Rove, when there was a ridiculous allegation that the Obama photo from last week was supposedly faked in Photoshop.  I can assure you that this was the real thing, the puppet master himself.

I was pleasantly surprised at how funny this guy was.  He had a commanding grasp on literally hundreds of political contests from municipal races to state and national races, and the poll numbers on each race.  He also quoted, word for word the footnotes to the hundred page CBO (congressional budget office) score of the current healthcare bill in front of congress.  The footnotes are way better than the actual text, of course they are even better when a right wing hack puts his spin on them (which he readily admitted to being a right wing hack).

So as the newest member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, I demand that all Democrats disband their unpatriotic and sinister quest for global socialism, communism, jingoism, and chocolate cheerioism.  I further demand that all Democrats get jobs and pay for their own healthcare and retirement and 60" LCD TVs on which to watch Oprah and Judge Judy.