Friday, September 21, 2012

Brig Chats National Security with President Obama

If you remember, I sat down with President Obama back in February 2010 to have a chat about his upcoming healthcare legislation.  That meeting went pretty well, we came to a meeting of the minds on healthcare and cooler heads ultimately prevailed. 

So I wasn't really surprised when he decided to stop by again this week, he is looking for a bump in his ratings since he didn't get one from his convention, and I guess he thought that my 3 readers were "community thought leaders" in their communities, so anything he tells me will reach at least 9 other people.

Since he is getting beat up because of the new CBO estimates that his signature healthcare law will double in cost from $940B to $1.76T, the President suggested we stay far away from that topic and focus on one of his administrations strengths, National Security.  Here is a transcript of our discussion:

Brig:  Mr. President, thanks for coming by.  I'm always happy to have you and your security staff over to the house for a chat.

President:  Brigham, we love coming here.  Sorry Reggie Love couldn't make it, he had a good time throwing the twins around last time, but you did hear he is getting ready to finish his MBA at Wharton.  Funny story about that, he actually made me write his recommendation to get in, I thought just stamping the form with my presidential seal would do it, but I had to write 3 paragraphs about a time when Reggie encountered a hostile situation outside his sphere of influence and how he resolved the issue to the satisfaction of everyone involved.  I wrote a bunch of nonsense and taped a thumb drive to the application with video of Reggie walking out of an interview with Fox News. 

Brig:  Hilarious!  Hey, lets talk about Obamacare.

President:  No.

Brig:  Noted.  National Security?

President:  That would be great.  I saw your copy of "No Easy Day" on your desk, did you read it?

Brig:  Yes, I read it last weekend.  It was really good.

President:  Did you read about the part when I shot Bin Laden?

Brig:  Ummmm, yes, nice work.

President:  I meant when I told that Navy Seal guy to shoot him, of course.  I wasn't there, I was bagging my putter on the 16th green when I got a call that those military guys were on a BlackHawk helicopter flying into Pakistan.  Good thing I got the call though, if I had finished the round, the course pro would have forced me to set my handicap back 7 strokes.  I barely got to the White house in time to see the action live.  Thank goodness Hillary was standing by ready to TiVo it for me in case I ran into traffic.  She is the best secretary.

Brig:  Let's talk about National Security Briefings.  There has been a lot of controversy around this subject, and the rumor is that you never go to them, in fact it looks like you only go to 38% of them, is that right?

President:  Kind of, most of that is spin from the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.  I get the briefings, I just get them on my iPad.  I get nervous sitting in a room with Military Generals and other people that are carrying guns, especially if the guns are loaded.

Brig:  So i hear.  So you read the briefings on your iPad.  By yourself?

President:  Yes, I can read...  let's not get all crazy Breitbart "Obama didn't really go to college" here.  Although I will admit that sometimes I have Siri read them to me.  I had her voice changed to Marilyn Monroe's voice, Apple takes care of me like that.  #itisgreattobepresidentkillertoys

Brig:  I don't think saying "hashtag" really does anything.  But sorry, I did not mean to imply that you can't read, I mean you were the editor of the Harvard Law Review, of course you can read.  I meant are you in the Oval Office by yourself when you read them.

President:  Sometimes, but sometimes I read them while watching Sponge Bob with the girls before school.  I believe that national security starts at home, Michelle told me last week that the biggest threat to national security was obesity and that teaching our kids to eat right will lessen that threat, did you know that?

Brig:  Wait, what?  Back to the point Mr. President, how does that work?  They email you the brief to your Gmail account?  Is that secure?  You know that Apple was just hacked and all of the user names stolen right?

President:  Don't be ridiculous Brigham, I have a Yahoo Mail account.  And the brief didn't say anything about the hacking, so it must not have been that big a deal.  I had to write in the obesity thing myself and send it back because they missed that part last week.

Brig:  Fair enough.  So Middle East, thoughts?

President:  Yeah, love that Arab Spring.  Democracies popping up all over the place.  People's voices being heard for the first time in decades.

Brig:  You do know about the Embassy attacks in Lybia, Egypt, Syria, etc?

President:  Of course I know about those, they were in the Briefs.  Sad events, somebody should look into those.

Brig:  Isn't that your job?

President:  I have people for that, somewhere.

Brig:  Let me just throw this out there, but isn't the purpose of the security briefing to keep you informed about security threats, and give you a chance to ask questions, get clarifications, or give orders to keep America safe?

President:  Calm down a little bit.  I read most of the briefings, I figure that if there is anything serious that my national security team would brief me on it in person.

Brig:  You mean they would schedule a national security briefing?

President:  Exactly.

Brig:  Wow.

President:  I know, the gears of government keep turning.

Brig:  Mr President, thank you for coming by again.  I always love having you here and getting your teleprompters perspective on national and global events.

President:  It is my pleasure.  But I have to say I was disappointed to hear that you named your kid after Mitt Romney's kid.  I had some great names picked out for #4.

Brig:  Yeah, sorry about that, that was an accident.  We named him after a character from Atlas Shrugged, and found out about the Romney thing later.

President:  You were being ironic though, right?  I know you and the wife are hipsters, love the picture by the way, I like how you incorporated my campaign logo into your OWS sign.

Brig:  That was a picture from Halloween. we were, never mind, always happy to help.  Best wishes in your upcoming election!

President:  Thank you.  Are you going to blog this interview?  Michelle loves your blog, she told me I had to tell you that.  She especially liked it when you went all black ops and infiltrated the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, that was hilarious.  That James O'Keefe has nothing on you!

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

In the spirit of full disclosure I must say that I haven't read Atlas Shrugged. I did see the poorly acted film adaptation recently, but #4s name came from the same list as the other three. It's the "names we don't hate" list.