Tuesday, January 08, 2013

The Never Inside Man


As you may have heard, there is absolutely no mention of my name being batted around Washington nor the tales of my financial prowess dripping from the Bordeaux stained lips of the Titans of Wall St with respect to my lack of selection as the next US Treasury Secretary.  I'm here to say publicly, that nominating me to this high position is a really bad idea.  Let me explain why, even though it is totally irrelevant, because again, nobody has asked me to take the position.

Part of the reason is that none of those people of influence have ever heard of me.  I certainly do not want to get involved in the tired old games of name dropping and tea sipping and hobnobbing among the old Porcellian penny-pinchers of Lazard Freres.  Who needs the bother, I already have a Rolodex full of mid-level accounting managers, and investment bank summer interns to keep up with.

And let's not even discuss Senate confirmation.  First of all, the minute I step foot inside the hallowed senate chamber, I'd have to determine if you find the right wing of the room from standing in the back, or from the front, it can be very confusing, especially when you have to lie to both of them, and keep the lies straight.  Do I like all debt, or just the debt that goes to finance illegal wars in countries I can't pronounce, I'm working on a good bi-partisan answer to that.

Second of all, if I do manage to find the table at which to sit and be grilled about my perspective on public debts and fiscal cliffs and international trade and deficits, I would probably have a hard time explaining how I managed to get suckered into a credit card scam in college where I signed up for the card, thinking they were going to send me a free TV that never showed up, only to find out that 1/2 of the $300 credit limit went to buy the TV, and that I would only get the TV after making 6 on-time payments for my free TV. 

Too redeem myself, I would merely astound them with tales of quick "on my feet thinking" by telling them that only the very next week I decided that I would only sign up for credit cards if I got the free 2 liter of Diet Coke and T-Shirt up front, "fool me once," right?  I think Senator Reid would hail me as a genius, while throwing streamers and confetti from the gallery on national TV.

Thirdly, It was once said, "Now, officials inside the administration can of course have even more influence — but only if they’re good at a very different kind of game, that of persuading the president and his inner circle in behind-closed-doors discussion."  I've had a couple of sit downs with the president see here and here, I think we have a good rapport, however last time I tried to convince him to mint a Trillion dollar coin with my face on it, he just laughed.  Then I see in the NYT of all places, the president may actually do that, but with his own face on it. 

I don't know whether to call an IP lawyer and see if I can get a 3% royalty on that, since it was my idea, or just be a patriot and let it go.  $30 Billion is a lot of money though, I could finally pay off that TV I never got and finally work my way up to a decent credit score.  I might even be able to ask Visa for a $1,000 credit limit, then I can make it rain in the club this weekend, PBR and Diet Coke on me!

"So FOURTHLY of all, let’s talk frankly about the job I have."  I am an unpaid blogger.  Brig's Blog isn't just some newspaper somewhere, it is a blog, hidden deeply in the servers of Blogger, on the internet among billions of other web pages that you have also never read, some of them in foreign languages, and some of them about Star Trek stuff, in foreign languages, like Klingon.  So being an un-noteworthy blogger isn't a pretty big deal, one I'm grateful to have granted myself.  And those who likewise hold this position and know how to get 47 hits in a single day, can be almost as pompous a windbag as Paul Krugman at the New York Times.  Because like Paul, does anyone doubt that the White House pays attention to what I write?

"By my reckoning, then, and administration job, no matter how senior, would actually reduce my influence."  I can add to the national debt just fine where I am, THANK YOU!  I can continue to demand that the government coddle me until a government crony comes to my house every night to pick the stale government cheese out of my scrappy beard, because after I voted to have the government take away all of the sharp things like razors from American homes, I subsequently voted to have the government provide shaving services to all Americans, but the government shavers went on strike because I sued claiming that not shaving me on Sunday was violating my 1st amendment right to go to church clean shaven, and the government shavers didn't want to have to work weekends, catch 22.

So again, I'm flattered that nobody has considered me to be the next Secretary of the Treasury, I wanted to keep my current job anyway, making fun of the other internet blogger morons that were also not offered the job (Paul Krugman). 

By the way Krugman, the big fancy New York Times only gave you 327 words to tell the world you are a loser and didn't get asked to take the Treas Sec job, and then made an editor read your work and proof it.  I got over a thousand words and didn't need a corporate babysitter to make sure I used commas correctly,,,,, and I only had to embarrass myself in front of like 100 people to do it.  Lunch Tuesday?